My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The Olympian is in my bed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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