I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
