It was confusing and full of hummus
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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