Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
