I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
