ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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