I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
