Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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