I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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