it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
