so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
