Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
