I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
