We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
