I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
