if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize