Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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