some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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