So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Your penis caused this!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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