saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
