i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
