Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize