I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
