Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
