Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
