Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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