Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
