Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
