have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
