I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
