I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
