eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize