just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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