Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
