6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
