so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
