He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize