I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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