So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
