You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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