I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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