Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
