At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
