I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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