i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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