ya dads aren't the best wingmen
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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