Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
