Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
