WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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