chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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