Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
