At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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