last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
