At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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