Is it normal to miss your booty call?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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